Depression: One of My Moods

I've had writer's block for days. I've started 4 hubs in the last week, but I can't finish any of them. I write about 100 words, conclude that it’s worthless dribble, and go watch TV. Or go to bed. I can't seem to move past it.

I'm also in the midst of a bout with depression. Depression has come and gone since I was 12 years old, despite therapy and medication. Yes, there are things I'm not doing, like exercising, that could help, but I can never seem to stick with such a program. I'd rather take a nap -- for about 16 hours. Maybe longer.

My depression is usually low-level, just enough to give me writer's block and a generally gloomy outlook, but not enough to keep me from getting out of bed and at least making an effort to function daily.

When we were both teenagers, my brother described my depression by rolling his eyes and saying, "She's in one of her moods." My family thought I was going through an adolescent phase, albeit a particularly ugly one. They thought I'd eventually snap out of it. I left magazines lying around my room, all open to articles about teen suicide. At some point, I became convinced that my apparent inability to snap out of it and be happy and "normal" was a character defect.

I got into therapy at the age of 19, after calling home from my eighth floor college dorm room and threatening to jump out the window. At some point during psychotherapy, I noticed the word “dysthymia” written on some of my paperwork. It sounds like a digestive ailment, but it’s a Greek word meaning “ill humor.” Turns out my brother was pretty close. Dysthymia is low-level, chronic depression, and some experts believe it's more resistant to antidepressants than major depression.

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already." --Dave Barry

Sometimes, it helps to remember I’m not alone. The National Institute of Mental Health says that approximately 9.5% of the US population suffers from some type of mood disorder (major depression disorder, dysthymia, or bipolar disorder). Personally, I think that statistic sounds low, since it seems like half the people I know are on antidepressants, but maybe I have strange friends.

According to the Mayo Clinic, symptoms of dysthymia include:

• Loss of interest in daily activities
• Poor appetite or overeating
• Hopelessness
• Sleep problems
• Lack of energy
• Fatigue
• Low self-esteem
• Trouble concentrating
• Trouble making decisions
• Self-criticism
• Irritability
• Excessive anger
• Decreased productivity
• Avoiding social activities
• Feelings of guilt

While I relate to all of those symptoms, I don’t get the antidepressant ads featuring a woman with a wind-up doll version of herself. The depressed woman in the ad says she feels she needs to wind herself up every day. I can honestly say, after years of struggling with depression, I’ve never felt like that. I’m not saying other people don’t; I just never have.

For me, being depressed is more like seeing life through a gray haze. I walk through the day on the verge of tears but incapable of a good, cleansing cry. Everything seems sad, dull, devoid of life. I move slower. I think slower. Small things easily become a big deal. It’s painful, but not so much so that I can feel justified in taking sick days.

On my worst days, I cling to the hope that "this, too, shall pass." I’ve always emerged from depression in the past, and I surely will this time, too. In the meantime, I do the only thing I know to do – keep putting one foot in front of the other and living one day at a time.

What do you know -- I think I may have just finished a hub!